Do You Constantly Worry That Your Partner Will Leave You? Part 2by Dr Katherine Mollart - 20th November, 2015
Do you constantly worry that your partner will leave you? Part 2
In part 1, we looked at how our abandonment fears can manifest in intimate relationships and how this is linked to experiences of separation in our childhood. Here are some steps to changing this:
1. Work with your therapist at the British CBT and counselling service to understand the situations in your childhood that have contributed to your fear of abandonment.
2. Monitor your feelings of abandonment. Learn to identify when your fears are triggered, for instance, when you are being hypersensitive to losing someone or feel the need to cling to them.
3. Review past relationships, and clarify the patterns that occur. Make a list of all the romantic relationships you have had. What went wrong with each one? Was the person unstable? Did you leave each person because you were too afraid they would leave you? Do you keep picking people who are likely to leave you? Were you so jealous and possessive that you pushed them away? What are the pitfalls for you to avoid?
4. Learn to be alone for extended periods of time, without having to reach out immediately and connect to somebody.
5. Avoid or walk away from uncommitted, unstable, or ambivalent partners even though they generate high chemistry. Try to form relationships with stable people. Avoid people who are going to take you on a roller coaster ride even though they are the exact people to whom you are most attracted.
6. When you find a partner who is stable and capable of making a commitment, trust them. Believe they are there for you forever, and will not leave. After so much experience of abandonment, it hard to learn to trust. But this is the only way to finally step out of these unhelpful patterns and find fulfilment in love. Get off the roller coaster. Give up the wild, unstable love in favour of the strong and steady.
7. Do not cling, become jealous, or overreact to the normal separations of a healthy relationship. Accept that other people have the right to set limits and establish separate space. If you are in a good relationship with a stable, committed partner, learn to control your tendency to overact to small things.
To recap part 1 click below to navigate.